Yes, I have a vagina.

Everyone notices. I’m a female. I have a vagina.

That’s all I have.

I’m not wearing a skirt or tight clothing. My hair is a mess and I’ve let my leg hairs grow out a bit. Acne and red splotches have appeared on my face overnight. I’m not trying.

It wasn’t until recently that I had come to realize that men will try anything. No matter your age, your figure, how you are dressed, how clean you keep yourself, being rude or happy; you are a living thing for a shweed (a shit head and a weed) of a man to possibly relieve his pleasures.

It’s. Sickening.

After an afternoon of an inappropriate encounter at work, I wondered if I did something wrong. Was I in jeopardy? This guy risked his job and mine because… what? I was a happy employee and somehow it had encouraged him to act as such?  I thought hard after that day. What could I do to discourage these men in the workspace? What could I wear, should I be rude?

It doesn’t matter.

I watched one male pull up, and as I said my ‘Hello’ with a smile, his face lit up. My smile dropped to a frown. Is that all it took? A smile? My voice became hard. He later asked for my number. I said no.

Another man about 50 asking, “I’m sure you ain’t into old guys like me, huh?” The question hung between us. Where should I go with this? I faked a laughed and said ‘no’.

Once, a man my mothers’ age told me that “If we keep in touch, I’ll take you with me to,” whatever island it was  “and we’ll see if you like it there. ” He wanted someone nice to settle down with and let the woman take care of him. I lost his contact info. And, my parent was with me.

Nowadays, I’m afraid of accepting anything from men. If they give me a candy bar, I don’t want to accept it in fear of having to owe them something in return. Or, I’ll stare at the drink or piece of food, wondering if they drugged it.

When I was eleven, my mother converted diamonds from a necklace into a ring for me. Nestled between the beautiful diamonds is my birthstone, but it’s good enough to look like a wedding ring. I’ve even been asked if I was married because of the special ring my mother made for me. But on most guys, the ring fails to work. I often think it’s scary to have men still trying to make advances when I have the ring on. Little do they know it’s a purity ring.

I feel like an open target. Even with the word “No”. Even with a fake wedding ring. Even in baggy clothing and my hair a mess. Even when I have acne and no make-up on. Even when I’m rude. Even when I’m in the work environment. Even when my parents are near.  It never ends. 

I’m a female. A target. A living thing that carries a hole that men think they have the right to get to. An object.





The How I Let My Best Friend Fall In Love With Me

Before I had known it, I had made a best friend. 

This boy then told me that his sister was surprised we haven’t fucked yet. AND his mother “shipped” us. 

We had mutual friends, so we connected online. We had a year of online friendship. It wasn’t an obsessive, “I have to text you everyday” thing, we were truly friends. So the time came where we finally had the chance to meet and hang out. In person! Sure, we were both excited, but we really didn’t know what to expect from each other. We were opposite sex, so would one of us be attracted to another? Possibly, but let’s continue…

He was a constant in my life. Always there, comforting, fun, goofy, could be serious, but also have the ability to just chill out.  We were so close. In my mind, it was okay to be close with a male. 

But I made a mistake. I’m torn–between wishing I had never allowed myself to do the things I did, and being glad it happened. And I think he’s the same way. 

What exactly happened between these two?! You wonder. 

My first mistake was when I asked to sleepover at his place because we were too tired to drive me home. That night, I allowed myself to be cuddled, then kissed. We shared his twin size bed until 5 am, and he found it hard to let me go. 

Later that day he said to me, “I hadn’t had that good a sleep in a while.”  

The second night, I let him cuddle me again, but it wasn’t for long. His mom caught us in the same bed though. Oops. 

After that, we were at a mall. He went shopping with me, and was very patient. Then we went into a photo booth and when I puckered my lips to make a funny face, he thought I was going in for a kiss. We had to resolve that awkwardness within 10 seconds for the next photo. 

I should’ve seen the signs within my first visit. But wait, it gets worse. 

He drove 250 miles from his home to see me. Twice. 

You know how when you find that special someone you’ll never actually get annoyed with them even though you spend everyday with them?  Yeah, I got annoyed. The first visit, he surprised me a month after first seeing him. He was very touchy, and would make the dumbest jokes. By the end of the week, I had grown tired of him and couldn’t wait for him to go.  

Nine months pass. Again, he comes to visit, but this time we planned. it. I was excited to see my friend. He would stay for a week, and this time it was fine. We would wander around town at night and talk. I also wanted to fool my coworkers that he was my boyfriend… That was dumb. Then, his mom and sister visit. They all acted like I was already family… This boy then told me that his sister was surprised we haven’t fucked yet. AND his mother “shipped” us. Face palm.

I then had only realized how much damage I had done. I did what everyone tells girls to do, “Just be yourself.” Yeah, well, I was and my friend fell in love with me. I also admit that I let him hold me in a way someone interested would hold a person. I led him on, and I hadn’t payed attention to it. I let my friend be more than a friend every once in a while… Enough to let himself fall for me. 

 It’s made me question how I interacted with guys, and once I realized it all, everything made sense. 

Nowadays, I have no close guy friends. I think it’s better this way. 

So this wasn’t the Boy Next Door story. I never had a secret crush on him. This was all just a Charlie Foxtrot. 

So girls, know that you are beautiful, and even your most unexpected guy friend probably has a crush on you. Realize that you can unintentionally lead men on (yes, you have that power). 



The Joe Effect

I don’t know if you know this, but guys can be assholes. 

Let me tell you about the first time a trusted a guy.

I had just turned 15. At the time, I was in California. I was talking to a guy online who was 3 years older than me. I knew him and we had hung out, but I was away from him for a couple months. He was sweet, we talked all the time, and we shared similar interests. As time went on, feelings became more and more powerful. And before we knew it, I was in his town.

I got settled in to where I was staying in town, and then he was on his way over. We were all over each other. But looking back, he was more touchy than I was. We would make flirty touches of the hand and intense looks, and he’d always pull me onto his lap when he sat.

It was dark now, and he said, ” Let’s go up the hill, there is a great view of the town up there.” And so we go. As I’m gasping my way up this steep hill, he veers to the right and sits at a picnic table. I pause. There is absolutely no view. There is a table, dirt, and tall enough pine trees that the only option for a “view” was to look straight up to the starry sky.

“This is it? ” I asked incredulously. There’s no way. A pit in my stomach opened up.

I knew I had made a mistake that night.

“Yep,” he said, stretching his arms over the table.

I didn’t know if I wanted to give in and sit, or sprint back down the hill to the safety of where my mom was. But not to be a chicken, I sat. And he pulled me onto his lap. Somehow, we ended up playing truth or dare. Stupid. I picked truth, but he dared me to kiss him. My mind raced. I studied him. The sad part was, in the end, I just gave in for no other reason than to get my first kiss over with. Really romantic, right? And even worse, the minute our lips touched, I kept saying in my mind that kissing is not that great whatsoever. That night, I numbly walked down the hill with my arm through his, and the smile he wore sickened me. I knew I had made a mistake that night. Heck, even the 2 months we talked online made me feel stupid.

My first kiss, it felt like, was taken from me.

The next night, I was in a situation. Joey planned a night photo shoot. You know, the pictures that can capture an image of the stars? When he told me his plans, I was torn between staying with mom…or going with him and risking something else. I ended up going just so I could get out of the house and see the stars and the pictures that were to be taken. And so we sat on his cold-as-heck metal truck tailgate. He kept rubbing his hands on my thighs, and I grew more nervous. I was shaking. Sure it was cold, but I knew I was freaking out on the inside. I didn’t want him to touch me at all that night. But I was 15 and didn’t know what to do. I was stuck. I felt trapped.

But nothing happened that night. Not even a kiss.

Over the next couple of days, we convinced my mom to allow him to take me flying somewhere. Joey was a young pilot. So the day came when we went up into the air and headed to the coast. Things were good and sweet. We went for lunch and hung out on the beach. More cringey PDA. Somehow, instead of going bowling in the town, we started to wander back to the airport. Mistake. 

The boy was going to try to take advantage of me, in a plane, an hour flight away from home.

We arrived at the airport 2 hours earlier than we had said to my parents.

He pulled me onto his lap again, in the pilot seat. I knew he wanted to get somewhere with me. So, I fiddled with his iPad, nervously rambling about nothing, spent minutes going through his music, and wouldn’t look at him.

The boy was going to try to take advantage of me, in a plane, an hour flight away from home.

And he did try. I gave in and kissed him, hoping that kissing could get better. It was then, when I was finally able to relax into a kiss, he decided he wanted more. Before I knew what had happened, I was laying on the passenger seat and half on the plane door. His hand grasped my breast and he giggled as he kissed my neck. I made the biggest eye roll in my life and pushed him away. But he thought I was inviting him to take off my shirt, I guess?

Some people may say…

“What are you doing?! No. ”   I said. He dropped his hands and leaned back into his pilot seat. He was smiling though. The whole flight back, he was smiling and giddy, like he actually got somewhere. I couldn’t look at him, so I looked out my window and the flight buttons. I didn’t smile or speak to him, either. He never asked how I was doing, didn’t stop showing happiness.

I thought I could trust him. He got my parents to trust him. I thought he wouldn’t rush me, touch me, like that. All of this, and I became disgusted.

Some people may say that it was romantic. Some may say that I should’ve known a guy would try to get a feel.

Some may say that an 18 year old guy should’ve known not to do that and says he’s an asshole.

But I also should’ve listened to my gut and stopped whatever was happening from the night of the first kiss.

Just… my first-something-boy experience was bad. I wish it had never happened.
Can any of you relate?…


(P.S. I left the next day after the flight happened. I left the town and only texted him a goodbye when I was about 100 miles away. )

Breaking Hearts

First of all, WHY? Just… why?

You know what I’m talking about. Someone falls in love with you when you never even considered them. Next thing you know, you find out that someone actually loves you.

Had a crush on you.

Really liked you.

Adored you.

And you don’t even realize until a day comes when the person makes it so blindly obvious that they’re in love with you. You don’t even have enough time to take a breath before they start explaining their love.

You want nothing more than to not hear why they love you, want you.
This is what breaks my heart, and theirs. It makes me feel like I have a stone-cold heart, but I can’t lie and say I love them back. I won’t force myself to love a person when I simply don’t find them… in that way.
I can’t stand to listen about how they went into adoring me. I want the person to cut it off. Now. No more. Leave it behind and get over it.

I sound like an ice queen, but it’s true.

I’m sorry. 

It’s not that I can’t or won’t love, like I don’t know how to love, but rather I just don’t feel what they feel. It’s hard to do, rejecting love from someone who offers you everything.

Breaking hearts, left and right. It’s not something to brag about.
Just wait, heartbreakers and lovers, someone will come in and embrace you with the love you’re holding out for.